azriel’s diary pt 3

diary entry #177318

- amarantha is back, and hosting a ball, ever the gracious host.

- rhys is complaining it’s going to be boring, but he has to go, he’s going to expose amarantha

- cassian offered to go with him, if only to torture tamlin and his fireling, but rhys refused, i understand why he’s wary, but amarantha is the living definition of all bark, no bite.

- there’s a new bar opening, owned by one of Mor’s friends, she’s dragging us all to next week so he can’t be too long.

diary entry #177321

- rhys is gone.

diary entry #177325

- a week since rhys has been trapped under the mountain.

- my shadows have been searching but we can’t find any more information.

- the wards are too strong.

- rhys said not to try to rescue him.

- he said it would put velaris in danger.

diary entry #177334

- a month since rhys left.

- cassian and i have been trying to find a way around the wards.

- amren says it’s no use and we’d be fools to try.

- it’s a good thing we’re fools then.

diary entry #177352

- 2 months since rhys left.

- why didn’t he tell us more?

- there must be a way around it.

- he’s an idiot.

- he shouldn’t have gone in the first place.

- i miss him.

diary entry #177371

- 3 months.

- my shadows heard whispers today of rhys called ‘amarantha’s whore’.

- i’m going to kill her. i’m going to tear her apart and make her wish she had died a thousand times over. i’m going to- i’m going to kill her.

- i’ve never liked praying to the cauldron but i’ll pray for rhys.

- i’ll pray for my brother.

diary entry #177496

- solstice.

- without rhys.

- it was quiet. cold.

- he’ll be back next year.

diary entry #177497

- it should’ve been the snowball fight today.

- we went to the cabin but it was too silent.

- rhys might’ve won this year.

- he better bring his best game next year to make up for it.

diary entry #177510

- starfall.

- i think the stars miss him?

diary entry #177582

- it’s been a year.

- an entire year without him.

- i don’t know how long this will go on for, surely there’s a loophole somewhere?

- cassian is in the ring. he has thrown himself into his drill routines, it’s all he does when he’s not doing official business.

- i don’t think he likes the idea of sitting still with nothing to do but miss rhys.

- mor is at the library. i think she’s trying to find books on breaking spells.

- i don’t know what amren is doing. she comes to the town house sometimes to make sure we’re all alive and to lecture us on how trying to break amarantha’s spell is futile and how we’re better off putting our energy into protecting velaris.

- still, i’m not giving up. i can’t.

diary entry #177857

- 2 years.

- yet it’s felt like 10.

- we had to make an appearance at the court of nightmares today.

- it scared me how easy it was to slip into that cold, unfeeling mask.

- though i’m unsure if it’s even a mask anymore.

- next year he’ll be back.

diary entry #178011

- 3 years.

- i’m sorry, rhysand’s mother, for not writing more.

- you told me to write my thoughts in here. but i don’t really have many these days.

- maybe only 2: get rhysand back and torture that bitch under the mountain.

diary entry #178721

- 5 years.

- i walk into velaris and people are still living. still selling their wares. still going to rita’s. still laughing.

- i know it’s a good thing. i know morale is important. i want them to be happy.

- but i still hate them. i hate how their world still turns when mine has ground to a deafening halt.

- next year it’ll start again.

diary entry # 178967

- word came from the winter court. amarantha slaughtered two dozen of their younglings.

- they said it was rhys but we know he had no choice. it will still haunt him.

- mor has left to her house for some time. i found her crying last night, she prays for her friend.

- i didn’t know how to comfort her. it broke what’s left of my shattered heart.

diary entry #179610

- today i found cassian sitting in his chair in the house of wind, like normal, except when i saw his face something was broken (not just his nose which i broke last week, sparring).

- no, his eye were so dead, staring at the empty hearth, and he didn’t react to me walking in, like he didn’t hear me. or didn’t care.

- i think his fire has finally burnt out.

- or maybe it was smothered by the crushing blanket of hopelessness.

- rhysand would laugh at me for being so poetic.

- he’d tell me my romance was lost on these brutes, that i was made for singing heartfelt ballads.

- cassian would joke that’s not fair, i’d get all the girls, and i’d probably agree.

diary entry #184602

- 10 years.

- would it be better to feel everything than to feel nothing at all? cass if you read this, no you didn’t.

- please. my brother, you stupid, reckless idiot, come home. i promise i’ll let you win the snowball fight.

diary entry #185711

- 15 years.

- cassian managed to drag me to windhaven. i didn’t say a word to that piece of shit camp leader but if looks could kill...

- you’d have pinched me and told me to try and act friendly, brother. i’d tell you this was me being friendly. you’d laugh.

- next year you‘ll tell me to smile and i will. i’ll smile for you rhysand.

- (cauldron, if cassian ever finds this diary...)(perhaps i was lost on you brutes).

diary entry #191032

- 45 years.

- i wonder, brother, if you think of us everyday?

- i know we do. every time i see a goddamn bandage and think of my first christmas present to you.

- every time i fucking fly because i know wouldn’t be able to do it without you.

- how long rhys? how long do i have to watch from the shadows as my family try not to break apart?

- every damn year i tell myself next year you’ll be back.

- i’m not so sure anymore.